It’s not all doom and gloom, sometimes it just feels like it.

12 Jun

I have days when I feel like shit. When I feel like a terrible parent and a domestic slave. I’m assured by my friends that I’m not alone in this.

Feelings of desperate sadness can tap me on the shoulder, out of the blue. I could be clearing up food/wee/vomit/toys/a whole packet of wipes from the floor and it hits me.

This is it.

Not forever, I know, but for now, this is my life. A constant cyclical flow chart of cooking, cleaning, tidying, nappies, supermarket, laundry, cooking again, tidying again, interspersed with some work and some outings/play dates here and there.

My husband works away a lot and occasionally complains about his boring hotel room or his mediocre cooked breakfast, or “having” to go out to a restaurant. I haven’t been away from my daughter overnight. Ever. Mainly because I don’t have a high flying job that would necessitate it and because all my friends have young children or babies. When I spoke to a mum of a 4 month old recently, she told me she was going on a hen weekend. 2 nights away. Booze! Hotel! Fun! Life!

Jealous much?

Sadly, most of my mates are married already or have kids so hen weekends aren’t going to happen any time soon. Shame.

So, sometimes I feel rather sorry for myself. Is this wallowing just self indulgent? My husband tells me to take a weekend away. Where? With whom? I ask him.

I know he’d cope with our daughter alone. It’s not rocket science. She would be fed, washed, dressed, played with. But she might break him. From what I can tell, the parent who’s not used to doing full time care gets a bit of a surprise when it’s their turn. I get a lot done through sheer multitasking and powering on through. There’s not enough hours in the day to do things are the normal pace. You must maximise the time available. Quick! Run!

Anyhow, I have nowhere to go and nobody to go with so it doesn’t really matter.

So, on dreary days like this, when a strange situation throws a spanner in the day’s plans (I think a neighbour might have stolen my cats. FFS) I feel that I need a little moan. Some Woe Is Me time. To just wallow in the stuff/plans/freedom I do not have.

Confession time: I love Bruce Springsteen. He’s playing in London this summer. I live in London. I’m not going. I didn’t even really consider it. Sob.

So, I allow myself the little indulgence, the luxury of wallowing, of mourning my old life. Of nights out, gigs, festivals, weekends away. Then the moment passes. My daughter will shove a piece of soggy, jammy toast into my mouth and laugh, or lick my face (a kiss, apparently) and I’ll feel just fine being Mummy again.

People say to enjoy the early years. They are brief and magical times (and exhausting and tough) and I know I’ll look back on these days with happiness. I already miss the old days of Immobile Baby. Remember those days? Before your baby could move about and you thought you were busy? Ha!

Every day is a discovery. Toddlers are hard work and that work is repetitive, tiring and messy but its fun and I love it. Generally. And when I don’t love it, when my shirt is splattered with yoghurt and the baby has marmite in her hair and it’s raining and we have no activities or friends to see, I put on Born To Run at top volume and have a good dance around my living room with a shrieking, laughing toddler in my arms.

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4 Responses to “It’s not all doom and gloom, sometimes it just feels like it.”

  1. Pascale LeBrasseur June 12, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

    When Emily was little, I went back to work earlier than planned which left my husband home with Emily for 6 weeks… just the 2 of them! After the first day, I think he was ready to switch place again but he did it! He was a stay at home dad for 6 weeks and this was such a blessing. Suddenly he really understood what it was like to be home with a crying baby and it allowed us such a great appreciation for each other, our time with our daughter and our alone time! Maybe take a weekend for you, or even a day! Go to a hotel or a spa, get pampered or go to a museum, order a nice meal and a great wine!!! Re-discover you!

    • ingloriousmother June 12, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

      Yes I will. The longest my husband has had her is probably 7 hours! He’s a great dad and its a steep learning curve but I know they’ll be fine when I do leave them to it!

      • Pascale LeBrasseur June 29, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

        I’ve nominated you for a lovely blog award. You can find all the details on my post from today! Hope you have fun with it!

  2. Laura Huggins June 14, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

    Instead of taking a weekend away, would it be easier for you to have a day or even a few hours? Even a few hours can make the world of difference.

    thank you for linking up with the weekend blog hop

    Hope to see you again tomorrow.

    Laura x x x

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